The Shumway Family Tree

This is taken from the 1988 Topps Series 2 ALF baseball cards.

In 1735, ALF's great Uncle Farnswado Shumway invented the reusable chinchilla; a small pet that could be used as a party hat over and over again. The invention never really took off after the day that Farnswado's hat went berserk at a party and attached itself to his boss's lips.
The Honorable judge Skippy Shumway was the first supreme court judge to preside over a case involving a man who was accused of spreading ointment on a lawn tractor. Two years later, judge Shumway was himself arrested for taunting a piece of matzo.
General Quitag L. Shumway was Melmac's decorated war hero. In Melmac's only war, he was awarded the purple lips for kicking a musician in the G Clef.
ALF's Aunt Wagner was best known for being able to juggle small rodents with her teeth, while she whistled and danced to "When A Man Loves A Woman'. She gave up the practice after marrying Simon Howk, at the tender age of 478.
Bud Shumway, ALF's third cousin, was entered into the Melmacian book of records after he beat the long-standing record for skipping around a bucket of drool for seventeen hours, just to prove that it could be done.
ALF's grandfather, Hickey Shumway, worked for eighty-six years as a wolf shortener. One day he gave it all up to write the popular novel, "I'm O.K. You're O.K., but your Lamb Just Went Deaf."
Bostwin Shumway followed in his grandson, Hickey's footsteps and became an author. Although, his first book, "Tales of the Exploding Badger" didn't do very well, his second book, "Tales of the Pulsating Elk" zoomed to the top of the best seller lists.
ALF's Great grandfather, Ripweed J. Shumway, was the only known Melmacian to ever be imprisoned for affixing stamps to his parents. He served three years and was released after promising never to paint his teeth in front of a dock worker.
In the early 1800's, famed boxer Aldo 'The Twinky' Shumway became the first Melmacian to win titles in the middleweight, heavyweight, and the Parsnip Division. In 1823, Aldo lost all three titles to Rudy 'That Mean Dude' Frizbudster in a fourteen week fight that left Aldo with three broken lips.
ALF's Aunt Wilma, became the first Shumway to attend college. She graduated in the top ten of her class after majoring in goat lifting, and freestyle fudge-shifting. After college, Wilma went to work for Shrimp-R-Us Industries, as a donut.
Noted inventor, Herbert J. Shumway, spent most of the eighteenth century dabbling in science. He skyrocketed to fame when, one day, he accidentally stumbled upon a way to improve the already popular combustible gopher. After that day, travel was never the same.
At a very young age, Randolph Shumway was one of the few Melmacians who could squirt pudding. One dark day, his career came grinding to a halt when he was arrested for giggling at a chef.
Famed circus clown, Sprinkles Shumway was awarded the lifetime achievement award for his work in the circus. From 1902 to 1903. He was most noted for being able to balance a pig on his face, while he corrected spelling errors.
ALF's father, Bob was the first Melmacian to gargle with lard in public. After the initial huff, Melmacians adopted the technique and gargle with lard day became an annual holiday.
In 1931, ALF's Uncle Elmo invented television. The first broadcast came on Tarble 14, 1932. It was a fifteen minute shot of Elmo flossing his teeth with a trout. Unfortunately, television didn't catch on until Shubert W. Fletch invented electricity, in 1938.
ALF's half-sister, Dianne was a famous singer in 1944. She hit the charts with her top ten smash, "I Remember the Day Ol' Grandma Tied Her Shorts In a Knot". It was off of her debut album, "Love Me, or I'll Spit on Your Lawn".
Bouillabaseball hero, Ziglet M. Shumway, was the first player to be signed by the Cleveland Goomers. The only blemish on his record came in 1939, when he was suspended for frosting cattle.
Dr. Horton Shumway was the first scientist, in Melmac's history, to experiment with prolonging life by making tree slugs wear suspenders to all social gatherings.
When ALF's step uncle, Horace, was 173 years old, he astounded the medical community by inventing a way to mend a broken leg, using a piece of beef and a small fan belt. Unfortunately, this combination only worked on Thursdays.
ALF, himself, invented a dance craze almost a year before he came to Earth. To perform the dance, you must hop on one foot, throw your arm out by your sides and whistle 'Became Mucho' three times without belching.
Hoover Shumway was Melmac's worst student. In 1954, he was suspended twelve times for smelling like toast. Oddly enough, when Hoover finally graduated, he went on to become Melmac's leading scientist, in the field of brick swallowing.
At 1'7, Morris Shumway was the smallest full-grown Melmacian. Refusing to let his height get in the way, he went to work at Cosmo's World of Wheels, as a tire jack.
Walton P. Shumway became famous when, at age 284, he mastered the fine art of worm flicking. No one realized at the time what impact worm flicking would have on finding a cure for whale-lips.
In 1643, Sandra Shumway became the mayor of sector 17. On the North shores of Melmac. She ran with the promise of a cat in every pot and a turnip in every shoe.
Troy Shumway was the winningest racing driver in Melmac's history. A surprise to everyone, Troy retired from racing after winning his fifth woodchuck 500 to pursue a career as a 'How-To' writer. His first book, 'How-To Manhandle a Tuna Sandwich' Sold over twelve copies.
Emile Shumway was also involved in racing. He headed the famous Gorgazolla pit crew for 17 years. Eight years ago, Emile was hospitalized for three days after he accidentally spot-welded his shorts to an intake manifold. He was never the same after that.
A dark, day in Shumway history, came when ALF's Great-Great Uncle Mike was arrested and sentenced to life imprisonment for arguing with date nut bread. Fortunately, he was paroled eight-years later, for good behavior and not calling any prison guards "Stinky".
Tennis great, Stigweed Shumway held a record for winning six or more awards for eight straight years. Unfortunately, his brilliant career ended when rumors surfaced stating that he had once been caught trying to fine tune an accountant, named Brad.
In 1895, fireman Gummo Shumway made history by becoming the first Melmacian to stamp out forest fires, by using his brother's feet. Ever since, Melmac's national phrase has been, "Remember, only your brother can prevent forest fires".
The famed magic act of Rebecca and Robert Shumway performed their greatest trick in 1978. When they trained a basket of lettuce to perform 'the barber of Seville' in front of a group of insurance salesmen.
In 1911, Jed Shumway became the first Melmacian to circle the planet. Unfortunately, it happened when Jed tried to light a candle too close to his nuclear lawnchair. The rest is too graphic to mention.
Dr. Janet Shumway was the first surgeon to successfully perform the delicate nostril transplant on a private investigator. When asked about operating on a nose, she said that she was glad she didn't blow it.
Rock guitarist, Nasty Shumway began his career in 1959, with the number one hit, "I Love You More Than Moldy Cheese". Two years later, he abandoned his solo act to join the famous group, the Sick Puppies, with the addition of Nasty, The Sick Puppies next album, "Laugh at My Feet" when gold.
Wallace Shumway held the record for the longest hospital stay; 187 years for a broken eyebrow. Unfortunately, two days after finally getting out, Wallace came down with a strange illness that made him faint at the sight of hair stylists.
Edith J. Shumway, the tallest Melmacian in history, was best known for the way she could prune trees with her teeth. Without the use of a ladder, she was so tall that in 1857, mountain climber Horton Zik tried unsuccessfully to scale her.
Wilfred H. Shumway, noted explorer, is credited for discovering sector 27, in 1642. When asked how he happened to stumble upon sector 27, Wilfred replied, "I took a left at sector 18 and winged it." Two years later, he was stomped to death by a pack of crazed gophers. No one knows why.
ALF's grandmother, Shirly Shumway, set a long-standing record in 1914, when she knitted various vegetables together to form a new invention; the salad shawl. This invention caught on with people who enjoyed having croutons thrown at them.
At the age of 298, Duncan Shumway entered the record books, after he bowled seventeen straight perfect games while wearing a canned ham on his chest. No one ever beat the record, in fact, no one ever tried.
ALF's Aunt Becky was a librarian, before she was fired in 1874 for misfiling "The Art of Tanning Leather with a Coat Hanger and a Bowl of Soup" by E.M. Fistbanger. She was never quite the same after that.
One of the few Shumways not to become famous, ALF's great-great-great Uncle Herman never did anything noteworthy. A bizarre twist came when Herman became famous when he was awarded a medial for being the most boring Melmacian in history.
Alfred J. Shumway gave up a life of 436 to enter the field of animal studies. After two years of studying rodents, he came up with a new way to cross ventilate rabbits.
Nester Shumway was most noted for starting Melmac's version of the Boy Scouts. He stayed with the scout's for twenty-three years before leaving to write a book about his life. "The Days of Wine and Crust".
Gary Shumway was the first Melmacian to step foot on the surface of another planet. As he set down on the planet Gzorp, he was heard to exclaim, "That's one small step for Melmac...and a four mile job for a man named Slim."